December 10, 2021

Advocating And Relaxing

 

When I was younger, I had a hard time with any confrontation. In fact, my father called me "The Peacemaker." When the time came to find an assisted living home for my mother, my sisters and I agreed upon the same place my father spent his last months. We were pleased with his care and the respect and dignity he received during the last months of his life. At first, I assumed all was fine. It was clean, and the staff seemed friendly. 

Over time, however, we noticed a drastic decline in Mom's cognitive ability, personality, and overall demeanor, which was separate from her Alzheimers. I called and spoke kindly with the director of her section and inquired about activities that would help stimulate her brain and provide some entertainment. She spent countless hours alone in her room, causing her to ruminate and become distressed. I contacted her doctor, who examined her and reassured me she was exactly where she should be. I then requested an evaluation by the physical therapist as Mom was losing her ability to move independently. Again, I was told she was doing great. Perhaps they could have someone come and walk with her up and down the hall. 

I am, by nature, a people pleaser. I respect those in authority. However, this was too much. My mother has life left in her. She is a beautiful human being who deserves respect and dignity. And so my sister and I decided enough was enough. I called the administrator and discussed my concerns. Why were there no activities at all? Why was my mom sitting in her room all day? Why was she declining so rapidly since arriving? Why were there no decorations on the walls? Why could I never find anyone to ask a question when I was there? 

Because of Covid, we were required to give notice when we were visiting. One Sunday morning, I told Steve that I wanted to see Mom. And I was going to provide them with notice. When I rang the doorbell! He and I arrived, and I literally stopped in my tracks. I didn't even recognize my own mother. I will not go into detail, but let it suffice to say I knew at that moment, my mother would not be staying there one minute longer than necessary. I was sad. But I was also angry. This was my mother. She deserved dignity. Respect. Encouragement. Love. And she was getting none of that.

My sisters and I had entrusted our mother into their care. Despite my continued efforts, phone calls, suggestions, pleading, even crying as I asked them to help my mother, stimulate her, encourage her, they insisted she was where she needed to be. She was fine. I even offered to come in myself and read a book, do a craft, watch a movie with the residents. I was told that I would have to complete a course before doing that.  Which I knew was not the case. I realized that I needed to advocate for my mother. I called the administrator and reiterated my specific concerns. I told her we would be moving her as soon as possible.

Did we have another place in mind? No. Enter God. We have a very dear friend who is actually the mother of our parish priest. She gave us the name of a different facility in town, and I sent an email. They called me back immediately, and we did a virtual tour. The director there told me they had one room open, and my mom would be third on the list. I filled out all the paperwork and left it in God's hands. Literally. As I was praying a novena, a few days later, I received a call that the room was available immediately! And just like that, my mom was in her new home. 

As you can see in the picture above, my mom is flourishing! Her new assisted living home is a beautiful, cozy, organized, loving place! It is like a home, with a living area where the residents watch old sitcoms together, play games, exercise, and do seasonal crafts. Mom is happy, relaxed, clean, mentally stimulated, respected, and loved. She no longer sits in her room alone. The schedule is the same every day, which helps so much. Mom is happy and healthy and so much more content. Of course, she still has Alzheimer's, but she is living a happy, dignified, comfortable life. And that is what she deserves. 

The moral of the story? Advocate. Don't be afraid to stand up for what you think is right. My sisters and I were the voice for my mom. And we spoke loud and clear. I did call the administrator of the first assisted living facility recently. I spoke with her respectfully and offered constructive criticism. I did this for all those residents who don't have anyone to speak or advocate for them. I suppose I am a peacemaker, after all.



Thank you for listening, my friends. This is my view as I finish typing this. I am spending more time here, reflecting and relaxing. I am sorry I have not been around to visit. I plan to snuggle in this weekend and catch up with you!

Billie Jo












26 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I am glad your mom is now in a nicer, safer place.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so proud that you were able to advocate for your mom and get her to a place that is much better suited. What a relief that must be for your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well done, dear Billie Jo! You did exactly what your heart and God lead you to do. I'm proud of you and your persistence. Bless you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am glad you found the perfect place for your mother.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Billie Jo, your mother would be so proud of you. I am so glad you found the perfect place for your mom. God's hand was definitely in there. Have a blessed weekend my friend!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Billy Jo, this post made me so hurt and angry, and I am so happy you stood up for your mom's rights. I go into many nursing homes to help clients with alterations, and I always report things that I don't think are right. Good for you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. My mom was in a nursing home and between us 3 sisters visited each week. I feel sorry for those who have no one to check on them and see what is going on. Glad your mom is doing better at her new place.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Good for you, Billie Jo!! I am so proud of you for advocating for your mom. I had to do the same thing when my husband had a brain aneurysm /stroke and was in the hospital for two months. I kids got mad at me, but I pushed and fought for him to get the care he needed to recover, even though most people in his shoes did not make it. Long story short, my hubby recovered! Praise God! That has been four years ago, but like you, I just would not take no for an answer, and God helped me do what needed to be done. I am so very glad that you found a new and better place for your mom. You are a great daughter. Thanks for sharing this post. Have a good weekend and God bless you all. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wow, I'm so sorry that happened. Look at your beautiful Mom's smile. She looks so happy and peaceful in her new home. Good for you for recognizing the signs that something wasn't right and standing up for your sweet Mom. I'm glad you found a much better place for her.

    ReplyDelete
  10. So glad your mom is in a safer and more cozy environment. She deserves nothing less. When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimers my husband's 3 sisters took care of her at home. She was watched over and cared for by the 3 of them 24/7. I know this is not possible for everyone, and it had to be very stressful at times, but the 3 of them were willing to care for her until God called her home. She was definitely blessed.

    ReplyDelete
  11. It must be a relief to know your lovely mum is now being cared for in a warm and caring environment. And thank goodness she has such a loving family who want the very best for her. X

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am really sorry you had to go through this with your mom. Sadly, the care in most nuring homes and assisted living facilities is not what it is promoted to be. I witnessed it first had working in the activities department, specifically in the memory care unit but also on the main floor. Facilities may have a wonderful plan in place on paper and they will sell you that, but the reality of what goes on when families are not around is very different. There is also a difference when the resident is mentally aware and able to speak up than when they are incapacitated in any way. Good for you for speaking up and honestly, I'd report the first place to the state.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am so happy that you took steps to help your mother. God is good! I am dealing with a different situation, but one in which this story helps me to have the courage to do what I must. God bless you dear friend. ~Juli

    ReplyDelete
  14. My Mother had to move my Grandmother from one home to another for much of the same reasons you mentioned here. It is so sad. I'm glad you were able to find a nice place for her to live. Everyone deserves that. My Mother now has dementia and I know what you mean about the importance of routine, activity and getting caught up in their own minds when that isn't happening. You should feel good to know that you can handle conflict when needed. Good job!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Beautiful picture of you and your Mom❤️ Good for you looking out for her!!! We had a similar problem with a rehab facility where my sister-in-law was staying. After her surgery and hospital stay, she didn’t go back. In home care has been a miracle to get her back on her feet. I am thankful that you found your Mom a place that will treat her with all of the kindness that she deserves🙏🏼 Have a blessed rest of the weekend. Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  16. I know what you are going through. I had some problems with people when my mom was in a care home for awhile. Some people weren't the best to be with her. She wound up going to the hospital and went into a nursing home where she lived for 6 years. At one point she decided to go into assisted living and it seemed ok to the leaders there, but not to me and my sister. We finally talked her out of it as she had luei bodies, like alzhimers, but different part of the brain. It isn't the best time it life to go through but so thankful to encourage and care for them in life til it ends. I am glad your mom is much better now and in a better place! Hugs and blessings! Thanks for reading my post lately! ;-)
    Becky

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hi, I found your blog thru Juli’s blog. Words fail, but I am so thankful you intervened for your beautiful mom and the Lord answered quickly. She does look so good. Thank God there are good places for our loved ones to be cared for right.
    Merry Christmas

    ReplyDelete
  18. This broke my heart. I became more and more angry as I read. Sadly, this is often the case, even when people tell you, "She's fine". GRRRRR!!! I'm like you- always keeping the peace and not wanting to argue, especially with authority, but we MUST stand up for those who cannot speak up on their own behalf. I am SO happy you noticed the problems, tried to fix things, and ultimately found her a better home.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I don't have anyone to advocate for now, but I know it's important. The one time that I was in the hospital without my husband after a surgery, the experience was terrible. I didn't get the care and medicines I needed.

    I'm so glad your mama is in a better place for her.

    Bless you and Merry Christmas!
    Laura

    ReplyDelete
  20. Good for you for standing up for your mother and getting her into a more caring and loving environment.

    ReplyDelete
  21. God bless you and all your family, Billie Jo!
    I am so glad you were able to get your mom into a good place. And God bless you for advocating for all those without an advocate. My heart breaks for all the good people who are not getting decent care at the end of their lives.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm so glad you found a new place for her that is so much better. She is blessed to have you as a daughter. In my senior year of high school I worked in a nursing home and would see how some families would literally dump their parents off and never come to visit. It was awful. I know the time is coming where my mom will have to be put in a nursing home and the thought scares me. You did the right thing.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, Billie Jo, along with your dear Mother. I'm glad she's more content in her new surroundings. And the Novena prayer was the best way you could help her, as God always listens to our prayers, big or small.

    ~Sheri

    ReplyDelete
  24. Your determination in this situation was so so admirable, and I will never forget how hard you have and continue to work to ensure that Gram is well taken care of!!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. You honored your Mother so beautifully in this way Billie Jo. This was so brave and important for you to share. I am so grateful God also heard your prayers and helped expedite things so you Mom could go to the new place so quickly. And I really love you called back to talk to the first facility to try to advocate for the other residents there as well.
    I love seeing the pic of your Mom looking so healthy and happy!! I pray you all have a very healthy, safe and merry Christmas time. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  26. Your Mother looks great. Going out of your comfort zone to address the problem really paid off. Good for you and your dear Mom.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks so much for saying hello!

Billie Jo