navigation

20 August 2018

The Doorway To Motherhood

As I begin planning the wedding of my oldest child, I find myself reflecting on this blessed gift of motherhood. My children are now twenty-one, eighteen, sixteen, and eight, and as years pass, the struggle my husband and I faced to build our family seems so distant, I have to remind myself of the pain and agony of infertility. I search my mind and soul for a specific memory of those days, months, and years I longed to be a mommy.


Being told by different doctors that I would have a very small chance of ever having a child of my own without medical intervention was devastating. Heart wrenching. Yet, here I am with four blessed children here on Earth, and one blessed soul in Heaven. Each one of our babies came after years of waiting and praying and hoping. Because of this, I never want to take this vocation of motherhood for granted. I want to remember how I felt as I struggled to make sense of the heartbreak of infertility.

I imagined my dream of motherhood existing behind a large, wooden door. Women enter this door many different ways. Some women, when ready, simply knock on the beautiful wooden door, and it opens right away. I am so happy for these women, who step inside and begin their life changing journey as mothers immediately. For some women, the wait between that first tenitive tap on the door and gaining entry is a bit longer. They may look around a bit outside as they wait patiently for the door to open, and when it does, they happily step inside. Some women, myself included, knock and knock and knock on that door until our knuckles bleed. The door creaks open, and quickly shuts again before we can enter as the agony of miscarriage is realized.

I remember thinking of myself and of many other women, pounding on that door until we fell to our knees, sobbing at the thought of being locked out of our dream of motherhood. I actually remember thinking that it seemed so unfair. Some women didn't even have to knock. The door to mothering seemed to open for them effortlessly. Infertility is a lonely place, and try as one might, it is hard to constantly celebrate the joys of others as you continue to beg for a chance to enter the realm of motherhood yourself.

Some women eventually cease knocking and slowly look around. These blessed women see through their tears that other doors exist nearby. And after much discernment, they venture over to these different doors, and are welcomed inside. They embrace their vocation of adoption and foster care and bless so many children as they are blessed themselves.

After years of trying, I finally gained entry into the beautiful and blessed world of mothering through the main door. Once inside, I immersed myself in the joy and beauty of this place I dreamt of my entire life. I found motherhood to be exactly what I hoped. It was a continuous stream of loving moments: rocking swaddled babies, smelling Baby Magic on tiny foreheads as I slipped wiggly arms and legs into soft little outfits with tiny snaps up the middle, singing ABC songs, first pairs of tiny baby shoes, bibs and blankets in the wash, frosted cupcakes, swimming lessons and Christmas trees. I spent years surrounded by Max and Ruby and Little Bear on television, scooters and training wheels in the yard, and Barbies and Matchbox Cars on the carpet. Time passed, as those sweet baby days were replaced with preschool pick up, and then finally school days and part time jobs.

I began to look around my cozy little world and suddenly realized I was closer to the exit than I was the entrance. And I didn't feel ready to leave. I wanted to stay just a little longer in this safe and special cocoon I created. The door to the next room seemed to beckon me and just as I was about to open it and walk through and begin the next chapter of my life, I glanced back and saw my blessed little Flynn. I was blessed with one more soul and with one more chance to do it all again! I turned and closed that door leading out, and ran back to savor the joys of childhood once more.

As I near my twenty second year of motherhood, I realize that what everyone tells you is true. The days, months, and years pass quickly. The baby I rocked yesterday will become a wife very soon. The little girl with the short brown hair and Blue's Clues shirt and the little boy who brought trucks and baseballs into my home are learning to drive now. And the special little gift of our baby girl is now starting third grade. Thankfully, the vocation of motherhood never ends. While I pray my years of mothering will result in four happy, healthy, responsible adults, I know that will mean closing one of the many doors of motherhood, leaving these precious days of children at home behind. I am and will always be tremendously thankful for the gift of motherhood and the memories I will hold in my heart forever. I also imagine that somewhere down the hall lies another door. Someday, I pray that door will open for me, and I will greeted by little ones that run to me and call me Grandma.












27 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness. This is so beautifully written and explained. I'm one of the very lucky ones, I barely knocked at the door and it was wide open. I can't imagine going though what you and many other mama's have had to endure to have the gift that for some comes so easy. I can't wait to start planning weddings because I'm so ready for the Grandma part. :) I'm so excited for you and your family. XO

    ReplyDelete
  2. Beautiful post:) My Nephew's wife gave birth in April, it wasn't suppose to be possible! I am SO happy for them and for you with your precious family! Such an inspiring post for anyone who may be facing that BIG DOOR in their lives! Have a blessed day dear friend, HUGS!

    ReplyDelete
  3. What a lovely post, Billie Jo. You have a beautiful family. I too had reason to think that motherhood might be difficult to achieve and I was fortunate not to have very much trouble becoming pregnant. My pregnancies were another story, full of problems, which was unexpected, but we made it and I am very thankful. How exciting to be planning a wedding for your firstborn. I am sure it will be a wonderful event and you will have much to look forward to in the months and years ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I read all this with a tear in my eye, I have been blessed with 3 beautiful daughters who in turn have been blessed with 2 children each. Making me a Granny 6 times over, the joy they bring is never ending. I thank our sweet Lord daily for these precious gifts.

    ReplyDelete
  5. What a beautifully written post. I too was blessed to have the door opened quickly, but so many of my dear friends were not. My girls are now grown, but I truly believe one never fully closes the door on mothering.

    ReplyDelete
  6. When one door closes, another one opens. I remember when all our boys were on their own, college, marriage, missions and we were sitting in an empty nest. It was quite the transition. We learned to embrace our new adventure in life and appreciate the fine young men our son's grew into. Then when the grand babies came around, now that was a game changer! The love you have for your children is unexplainable and just when you think your heart is full beyond measure those little babies enter in and take it to a whole other level. Each step in life is a gift and how thankful I am for the gift of motherhood and now grandmotherhood.

    ReplyDelete
  7. What a beautiful post! You have such a beautiful family! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  8. From someone at a different stage, I needed this today. (Kindergarten on Thursday and I am an emotional wreck! And I even had the extra year!)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Lovely, Billie Jo...just lovely.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is absolutely beautiful, Billie Jo. Your words touch my heart because I've walked in your footsteps. As many times as I knocked, I was only able to walk through that doorway once and so I don't take any second for granted. I want to hold on to every precious minute before it slips away. But it does. And we have to let it happen, with the hopes of our children walking through that door so we can become grandma's. I can't wait for that too : )

    ReplyDelete
  11. Billie Jo....speechless, I am...beautiful my friend, beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Beautiful Billie Jo, my heart is so warmed by your heart's thought, thank you for sharing.
    Blessings,
    Sue

    ReplyDelete
  13. A beautiful post and I felt your heart in each word. Having children is a true blessing from God from day one until that door closes. Then you get to love and enjoy those grandchildren, and you thought you loved your children, just wait! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  14. You have poured out your heart and soul in this post and I know you give all of that and more to your children. You will be an amazing grandma!! On to the wedding!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh this is so beautifully written and heartfelt Billie Jo. I relate to some of it as after having Aaron (which was a lot of trauma and he was 6 weeks early and I almost died) - we couldn't naturally have kids anymore either. And then through the amazing gift of surrogacy by our SIL (Annie is ours biologically I just didn't carry her) my dream of having more than one child was realized. I didn't want my son to be an only child - even if we had needed to go through adoption.

    Motherhood is absolutely the greatest blessing I could ever imagine and your words went straight to my heart. You are such an amazing Mother dear Friend. Thanks for sharing!

    PS: I'm finally back and posted this week! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  16. God bless you, sweet friend. I'm so glad the door opened for you to mother your four children. I think being a mother never ends. And being a grandmother is beyond wonderful! Such a lovely post! ♥

    ReplyDelete
  17. What a beautiful post! The joy being a mother brings you is very apparent in this post and all your other posts as well. You children are very blessed to have you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. What a beautiful, beautiful post.

    Thank you for sharing your heart. What a blessing it is to so many. <3

    ReplyDelete
  19. What a sweet post!!! So many people don't enjoy motherhood as they should, but you have certainly put it into its proper perspective. Blessings, sweet friend!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thank you Billie Jo--You are a special gift to us all.

    ReplyDelete
  21. This was so beautifully written. And brought me to tears! Thank you for sharing this post. I have to go back and read it again <3

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hi Billie Jo~

    Beautiful! I loved reading your thoughts on motherhood, so perfect. Very tender moments and memories when you begin this new chapter in your life. I can't wait to read about the wedding!

    Hugs and Love,
    Barb

    ReplyDelete
  23. Beautiful thoughts here, Billie :) It seems to take forever to get through that door and once you are in, it moves you at warp speed through the room. I bet your wedding planning are so exciting!

    ReplyDelete
  24. This is such a beautiful post...I know so many ladies with the same problem...some eventually have a baby or two, some never do. I had an aunt that adopted and a dear cousin that just never had a child...I realize motherhood isn't for every one..but, I can't imagine my life without my 2 children, their mates, 10 grandchildren and 4 great grands. It is my biggest blessing .....

    ReplyDelete
  25. This is so beautiful! I'm so happy for madison her and Nicholas are so meant to be together! Hoping you're well I do miss your instagram posts!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks so much for saying hello!

Billie Jo

TEMPLATE BY PRETTYWILDTHINGS